May I Kiss You on the Lips, Miss Sandra?

It's tough to categorize Sandra Bernhard's book of semi-autobiography, philosophy, and quasifactual showbiz gossip. The book partly overlaps with her stage show and CD I'm Still Here Damn It! but it reads like the diary of a sensitive soul with a teensy mean streak. "Barbra Streisand won't let you photograph the right side of her face.... If we finally see it, are we just going to scream?" Bernhard writes. "Kris Kristofferson must have been nipping at the bottle during A Star Is Born to fake the hots for Barbra." The title is simply what her drunk housepainter begged of her one day. ("Everybody used him--Melanie, Cindy, Candy, Caroline, Mimi," writes Bernhard, unconsciously echoing her appearance in Bret Easton Ellis's novel Glamorama: "The whole gang is usually there. Cindy, Linda, Kate, the Sandras--Bullock, Bernhard, and Gallin.") She devotes many pages to literary air kisses at stars: the chapter titled "Barry White for McDonald's" consists of one sentence: "I was a vegetarian until I heard Barry's sexy ad." Bernhard confesses her biggest alleged regret (losing a thank-you note from Jacqueline Kennedy and a letter of apology from Jerry Lewis for making fun of her lips on the set of The King of Comedy) and pens tender odes to Brenda Vaccaro and Kurt Cobain, a script idea for Pam Grier, and poems with more vigorous rhythms than Jewel's: "I was always shy, never knew how to relate / But when I get behind a cocktail I leave everything to fate." Ber